To my children, to those close to me, to those I have not met

True understanding of life "comes" to us, not through "the world's way of thinking," but from the heart while leads the head to understand.

Last night while watching the movie, "Liar, Liar" with my beloved sweetheart (my husband, my best friend, my harbor in the storm) a sadness came over me in the final moments of watching it. I had watched this movies several times before and had always thought that it was incredible funny watching the hilarious acting on the part of Jim Carey, but last night it was different!

Last night, rather than seeing "the liar lawyer" as someone other than myself, I came to realize that, without meaning to, that I had denied my own children of the loving closeness that they had wanted and needed when I was too busy "following the false carrot," as "the liar lawyer" had done with his son.

I have often been told that I am over-sensitive when I watch movies, as if something were defective in me. However, I am now grateful for this trait; for even though having to look within my self last night brought a sadness to my heart, it has helped to heal the inner part of me.

Like so many of us, I also tried to do my best in raising my children who I loved and still love very dearly. Like so many others, I also bought into the idea that loving one's children is all about getting them "more and more," instead of remembering that what children need most is to be loved (appreciated, encouraged, paid attention to.) Like the young parents that I see in the present, (I, now being a grandparent) had forgotten about the thing, which is not a thing, that children need most: their parents' love!

And though it is impossible to change the past, and though it is true that we each do the best we can with the wisdom we have or do not have at the time, I feel the desire inside to express that I am sorry; that if I had had the inner-wisdom then, that I presently have that things would have been very different. But, like many young parents of today, I did not have that wisdom and thus instead "tried to keep up with what the world out there keeps telling us is best."

To Jade, to Jodie, to Dustin, I express my sincere apology for anything I may have said, or not said...for anything I may have done or not done...for anything that may have led them astray from the beautiful spirits that they are. I love each of you, dearly, and it was never my heart's intention to not honor the incredible beings that you are. Please know in your hearts that, though I may not have shown it, that you were always, and in all ways, the most important part of my life.

And I share "my heart," with you who reads this, not for the purpose of wanting to spill my guts to the world, but with the heartfelt hope that this post may touch the hearts of those who are young parents who will learn and remember that our children are, as the spiritual leaders of the past taught, "the light of the world" and that they are a gift....a gift to be treasured with all of our hearts....a gift to life.

I also wish to share in this post an apology to anyone one else who desired the love in my heart that perhaps I failed to recognize in my own insane quest for "more and more" in the past. While searching for life's meaning (for the past 40 years) I, like others, became blinded by "what others who I thought were wiser than me had to say" and lost contact with what my own heart/soul/spirit was telling me.

The battle between my heart and my head, as it is with others, was a very tough battle. The price was very high. In the final analysis, the trade off wasn't worth it, for I missed out on some irreplaceable times that "could have been" but never can be again. Not only are my children now grown up and off on their own, but the parting of dear friends and family members reminds me. LOVE IS FOR THE HERE AND NOW.....once gone, it is gone.

Please remember these words, as though the mind can dispel them with a "yeah, yeah...I'm busy, busy, busy," the heart will remember and feel a longing for what it has missed: the sharing of love.

copyright - 2009