Thursday, October 29, 2009
Last night while watching the movie, "Liar, Liar" with my beloved sweetheart (my husband, my best friend, my harbor in the storm) a sadness came over me in the final moments of watching it. I had watched this movies several times before and had always thought that it was incredible funny watching the hilarious acting on the part of Jim Carey, but last night it was different!
Last night, rather than seeing "the liar lawyer" as someone other than myself, I came to realize that, without meaning to, that I had denied my own children of the loving closeness that they had wanted and needed when I was too busy "following the false carrot," as "the liar lawyer" had done with his son.
I have often been told that I am over-sensitive when I watch movies, as if something were defective in me. However, I am now grateful for this trait; for even though having to look within my self last night brought a sadness to my heart, it has helped to heal the inner part of me.
Like so many of us, I also tried to do my best in raising my children who I loved and still love very dearly. Like so many others, I also bought into the idea that loving one's children is all about getting them "more and more," instead of remembering that what children need most is to be loved (appreciated, encouraged, paid attention to.) Like the young parents that I see in the present, (I, now being a grandparent) had forgotten about the thing, which is not a thing, that children need most: their parents' love!
And though it is impossible to change the past, and though it is true that we each do the best we can with the wisdom we have or do not have at the time, I feel the desire inside to express that I am sorry; that if I had had the inner-wisdom then, that I presently have that things would have been very different. But, like many young parents of today, I did not have that wisdom and thus instead "tried to keep up with what the world out there keeps telling us is best."
To Jade, to Jodie, to Dustin, I express my sincere apology for anything I may have said, or not said...for anything I may have done or not done...for anything that may have led them astray from the beautiful spirits that they are. I love each of you, dearly, and it was never my heart's intention to not honor the incredible beings that you are. Please know in your hearts that, though I may not have shown it, that you were always, and in all ways, the most important part of my life.
And I share "my heart," with you who reads this, not for the purpose of wanting to spill my guts to the world, but with the heartfelt hope that this post may touch the hearts of those who are young parents who will learn and remember that our children are, as the spiritual leaders of the past taught, "the light of the world" and that they are a gift....a gift to be treasured with all of our hearts....a gift to life.
I also wish to share in this post an apology to anyone one else who desired the love in my heart that perhaps I failed to recognize in my own insane quest for "more and more" in the past. While searching for life's meaning (for the past 40 years) I, like others, became blinded by "what others who I thought were wiser than me had to say" and lost contact with what my own heart/soul/spirit was telling me.
The battle between my heart and my head, as it is with others, was a very tough battle. The price was very high. In the final analysis, the trade off wasn't worth it, for I missed out on some irreplaceable times that "could have been" but never can be again. Not only are my children now grown up and off on their own, but the parting of dear friends and family members reminds me. LOVE IS FOR THE HERE AND NOW.....once gone, it is gone.
Please remember these words, as though the mind can dispel them with a "yeah, yeah...I'm busy, busy, busy," the heart will remember and feel a longing for what it has missed: the sharing of love.
copyright - 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
There is only one thing that is lacking on our planet and that thing is not a thing: it is what we call LOVE.
In a world of thoughts and things, we sadly forget what life is really all about. We hurry from one activity to another and lose touch with what matters most. Unknowingly, we are led to believe that in order to be happy we must have more, more, more! Yet, deep within so many of us, there lives a sadness, a deep sense of sorrow, that we can not put our fingers on. It hurts....it really really hurts!
And so we look elsewhere, outside of ourselves, in an attempt to find relief for this unexplainable pain that we feel (pain that sometimes briefly subsides, but that always seems to return... each time we stop from all of our busy-ness - when we are alone, whether "alone by ourselves" or "alone in a crowd."
And we think to ourselves, that the answer must be: "if only I had more money, or more things, or more beauty, or more credentials, more power, more fame, more fill in the blank. We think that "more of all that is outside of us" is the answer." But the naked truth is that "more of what is out there" never fills that void.
More external things can not take away the inner pain, nor can it fill the void. What we need most is to remember WHO WE REALLY ARE beneath the labels we have unknowingly come to think of ourselves as being.
And as our minds become filled with the "I need more. I need more" relating to life, we also forget "more and more," what our true identity is" which lies seemingly dormant deep within. Yes, we even hide from ourselves; becoming "more and more" afraid that whatever it is that is there deep inside of us, is something to be feared, a something that we can not let anyone see, least we cease to be!
And we hide this part of ourselves, the very essence of our being, the spirit within us... the loving being that we were when we were born; this incredible creature who we have learned to reject (starting from our infancy up until the present) with the deeply held belief that we are defective.
And with this belief about ourselves, we continue to grasp for outside means to bring us the happiness that we so seek, while the true source of happiness lies in hiding... deep within our very own soul/spirit/heart/essence. Many try to quiet the pain that comes with the rejection of self/soul with alcohol until their spirit and brains go numb. Others, unknowingly use legal pain-hiding drugs and/or illegal drugs. A staggering number of people succumb to depression and/or create their own self-imposed prisons of sorts (eg self-hatred, isolation, etc.)..and the list goes on...and on...and on... of how we, humans, try (to no avail), to erase the never ending pain within which is caused by the denial and rejection of what is deepest within us: our true selves, our true nature.
"This pain!!! What is this pain, and where did it come from?" we ask ourselves. "How on earth am I to be rid of it?" yet no answer ever comes. And so we continue. We continue to try to find a way to reduce the pain, using the same ways we tried in the past. Over and over again we try. Over and over again we get the same results: the pain is still there!
Up until recently, I also suffered from this inner pain. Like you, or perhaps like someone you know, I also believed that the answer was "out there," and not "within my own reach." I, too, was haunted by a never-ending feeling deep within. No matter what I did, the invisible pain was always there, deep beneath the surface. If given a voice, I am sure that it would have been begging and pleading and saying, "let me out...please let me out!" But in the past, I believed that I couldn't let it out in fear that if I did that others would know my weakness: that I have a heart, that I care, that all I really want is to love and be loved!
This sad inner feeling, I now realize, was "the real me" (my heart, my soul, my unique one-of-a-kind spirit begging "the frightened me" (ego, conditioned mind, false self, learned self, whatever) to release it from this prison that it felt trapped in. Despite 40 years of searching, $40,000 worth of self-help books and researching and studying....despite a life-time of religious exploration (most of which was just "more" dogma and "second-hand thus watered-down" knowledge); despite academic credentials up the kazoo; despite having above-average possessions and money ---there I was on the brink of just wanting to end it all.
I had reached the point that AA and other 12 step programs talk about; that moment when you honestly know that you are truly tired of trying to figure it all out to no avail; when you realize that most of what we've been taught has been taught by others, including so-called experts and authorities, who also think that who they are is a creation of the mind, and not the heart. My brain was strained and I felt the pain, the pain of how insane "this outside" world" (that entered into my own head) really is. I truly wanted "out," no matter how that "out" would be. The pain of living in it was worse than the fear I'd held inside me for all of my life: the fear of being myself, who I am in the core of my being, "the me" in my heart of hearts, "the me" that I believed I had to hide each day of my life.
It was at this "breaking point," that I realized that who I really am isn't what caused me the pain. What was causing me the pain was that I was trying to live in a world being someone other than who I am! It was a very strange and awakening realization, I assure you.
Like a flood of light showing its way through a cloud, I then realized that my true failure wasn't that I was defective. What I had failed to do was to just be myself and to trust that in so doing that everything would be okay. And like another flood of light, I then realized that I was not the only one who has failed to be who I really am, that the world is full of people who are afraid to be themselves.
"Hmmmm," I said to myself, "very interesting!" What had felt like I was dying, had, at this moment, turned into what others call a eureka moment, a moment when you say "ahaaa" and really get it. I had reached that moment of enlightenment wherein I finally realized that I had never allowed my real self to express herself in this lifetime.
I realized that most of us do not know who we really are; that who we "think" we are is only a false concept of who we were told to believe we are, by (too many) others. I realized that most of us were taught to believe that we are someone other than who we truly are. I realized that, though the intentions of others who taught us may have been good, that it had brought my soul a tremendous pain; for in not knowing who I really am, I could not be happy with "trying to be someone who is not real."
A tree is a tree; it can not be anything other than what it is. A dog is a dog; it can not be a cat. And try as one might, an elephant can not be a bee. And the truth of the matter is that I, like a tree, or a dog, or an elephant, can not be anything other than what I am: a human creature who comes equipped with a heart/a soul/a direct inner connection to the greater power in the Universe that many call God.
And I, then, remembered something I had learned a long time ago: that the very word "human" actually means "god-man." And though this post is not about religion or anything like it, it occured to me that the very definition of the word "human"explains the uniqueness of who and what we really are, which can be truly be seen in the eyes of every new-born infant.
We are creatures that are born with "love" in our hearts; a pureness of energy that is there inside the heart of every new-born child which radiates, like a beautiful light, through their eyes. I have witnessed this many times, and know in my soul that We are, each, Love Incarnated.
We are perfect when we arrive, but alas, the $nake Oil $ellers (those who are, perhaps "the truly lost"), cause us to believe otherwise. Having forgotten who they are, they believe that by selling others the idea that we need "more, more" will bring them the "more, more" that they believe will make them feel happy...but they, like everyone, have bought into a false bill of goods.
Our very nature (the innate sacredness of our being is exactly this:
1. we come to this earth plane "perfect and pure within, "
2. yet each new soul that arrives... experiences the "mental conditioning" of its environment,
3. and thus, without ever realizing it, forgets who he/she really is and what its real purpose is (the reason why it is here.)
One by one, as we each re-member WHO WE REALLY ARE and re-connect with WHAT IS DEEPEST WITHIN OUR HEARTS, we will remember the real reason for why we are here:
WE ARE HERE TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. There is no greater purpose. (amen)
And it was at that time, when I realized this truth. In realizing that "the conditioned me" couldn't do it anymore, I realized that my only happiness in life would come from "letting go";( just letting go of everything I'd ever learned and assumed to be true,) and trusting what my heart was telling me, instead of the warring voices that are heard in the head (the endless mental chatter, the mental conditioning) that cause us to forget.
"Thank God", I said to myself, "Thank God! I am really not insane! But, what is insane is that "human kind" (beings of love) have replaced their real nature, their god-given blessing in life (without realizing it,) to become part of "the human race" (the mental human madness that causes us to live like rats in a maze....following the "more and more" way of living which leads us away from our unique magnificence that is to be shared with the world and from true inner radiance, called Love, that we are born with.)
- We are not what we were told we are....we are so much more.
- We are born enlightened (we arrive here full of life and love and directly connected to the greater power/God).
- It is only through mental conditioning (what we are told by others to believe about ourselves, others, and the world around us) that we forget this truth, that is...
- until we become aware of what the void is,
- until we become conscious of our greater destiny,
- until we learn to see for ourselves, instead of sacrificing who we are rightly destined to be by accepting "as truth" what others have told us to believe
- The end of inner pain comes only when we have truly decided WITHIN OURSELVES that we are truly tired of the ways of the fake world
- and make the decision, that no matter what, to will live from what is right there in our very own hearts, unafraid and trusting the greater inner knowing that lives in our hearts ( in our souls that are connected to the Higher Reality/God/Heaven/etc.)
- The pain goes away the moment we say YES….
- YES to letting go of all the false assumptions we've unknowingly agreed to believe about self and what life is all about, and
- YES to trusting that Life/God/The Power of the Universe/Spirit of Love/whatever... will lead us each step of the way.
- The hidden truth about human kind is
- that every newborn child is a gift, not something to be molded into something else;
- that a child is not something to staple, bend and mutilate.
- The truth is that "incredibly awesome newborns enter into this life, each like a radiant new ray from the sun, a new ray of hope for creating "heaven on earth."
- " Each is a new expression of God/Love/Eternity, not a baby rat that should be put into the rat maze.
- Each is, including you and including me, a unique expression of the Source/God/The Universe/All-that-is.
- Each a very real essence of what is most needed in our world: Love made manifest.
- Perhaps like me, you have tried all of your life, to prove that you are good enough, successful enough, smart enough, "fill in the blank" enough.
- Perhaps, like me and many others, you have grown tired of the insanity of the world out there.
- Perhaps, like us, you are ready to challenge it all and allow the spark of life that radiates within you to come of hiding.
- Perhaps in so doing, not only will you liberate your own soul, but perhaps in so doing , it will inspire others to do the same.
- We came here with the brilliance of love in the inner-most part of our beings...
- but those who had already learned to hide the love in their own hearts were the very people who taught us what life was supposedly all about.
- And we, as children who are full of trust and love....followed the others; the innocent others….who also followed others and others and others.
- There is no blame.
- There is only: to realize... to realize how much greater we are than we have ever believed.
- We are not weak and frail…we only appear that way when we allow our spirit to be hidden and asleep.
- The way out of insanity is like the way we came in....to be born, or rather, to be re-connected to who we really are, instead of "the who we falsely came to believe we were."
- DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU... not even me and not even those who are deemed to be the highest authorities of the world (including political and religious.)
- SEE FOR YOURSELF what brings you inner-peace, contentment, and the feeling happiness to your soul….
- ALLOW OTHERS TO DO THE SAME